BLOG / DIARY

a little peak into my brain

8-29-24

Currently, I am in the grass on an island spending the day with my maternal grandmother. Its her 80th birthday, spent on Lopez Island off the coast of Washington. In all my years as her only granddaughter, I hardly know anything about her life. And it's not for a lack of trying. My grandmother hates talking about the past. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll be the same when I'm her age but as of now I love to reminisce. Nostalgia runs deep in my heart, pumps around my veins with my blood. I spend a lot of time thinking about the past and what couldve gone differently. I think thats just a part of the human condition. Anyways, I think her life is incredibly fascinating. Somebody To Love by Jefferson Airplane was written about her and she wouldnt even admit it until a few years after Darby wrote about it in his autobiography. I wonder how much time she and I have left together. I feel guilty sometimes, living hours away from my family and coming home so infrequently. She's the only grandparent I have left and I don’t spend nearly enough time with her. Such is life, you know. And I do take every chance I get to come home, but there’s not much for me back in Ashland. The friends I still have there are few and far between, my family is often busy, I've done everything there is to do there a million times over. Nevertheless, home is home. I hope that one day I can go back and stay a while and have it feel good to me. Anyways, I have much of the world to explore. We went whale watching on the boat that belongs to my second cousin once removed today. I have never felt more like a rich fancy lady, sipping my peach bellini prosecco (thank you trader joe's) staring out at the open ocean, waiting for whales. I'm really happy to have gotten to see whales with my mom, whos always looking for whales while were at the ocean, and my dad, who is just one of my favorite people ever. We sang baby beluga (with mostly wrong lyrics) in an attempt to lure the whales out. And it worked. The whales were there for what felt like forever, breaching and diving. The world is so beautiful, isn't it? Lots of people go their whole lives without seeing whales and I, at 20, have seen them twice. I want to see more of the world. I want to keep exploring the world.

8-21-24

I have come to a realization lately that I think is important to my continued development, I am tired of being so temporary. Henry don't you dare read this, I know you like reading these. Although it was you who made me realize this, you should not be reading my thoughts here. The other day when he and I were together he asked me what my intentions were with him, with whatever it was we were doing. I never go in with any intentions whatsoever, and he told me he only wanted a summer fling. I was okay with that. However, as I ruminate on our conversation and run it over and over in my mind I realized that I don't really want to do things like that anymore. I want to stand still with someone. That's something Carrie Bradshaw says in Sex and The City. She wants someone to stand still with. Someone to ground her in the hustle and bustle of the city. I know the feeling. I want someone who feels like coming home. I want to be more permanent than I have been in the past year and a half. I do have fun with my flings and my temporary lovers, but maybe soon I could be done. There's something sour about knowing that there's a time limit on a relationship. Something that makes me feel like, and I know it isn't like this, like I'm not really good enough. I think I am a lovely person and a lovely friend, but what is it about me that isn't worth sticking around for? I wish I knew and I wish I could change it. But is it something that needs changing? Is it something worth stressing over? I wonder if I'm really so unbearable. I try quite hard, you know. I wish someone wanted to stick around for me. For who I am growing into, for who I might become in a few months or years. I am, of course, always changing. I'm not someone who feels incomplete whilst single. I have of course never been in a long term relationship as long as I've lived. Sometimes I'm scared of who I will be if that ever happens, I'm scared to lose myself as I've seen so many people do. I know myself. I like myself. I don't need the validation of someone loving me, especially if that's someone whom I have to change for. Or someone who dims me. Food for thought. I think I'll keep Henry around so long as he hasn't gotten sick of me. That is usually the way things end. Anyways, no use lamenting over something like that. The time will come when it's meant to.

8-15-24

I want to start this off by saying that this summer has not been a creative rennaisance like I wanted it to be. I have had horrible art block since my last diary entry. However, the summer is far from over and as such I have much time to continue working on my skills. Lately I have been under a great deal of stress due to the fact that my lease ends on August 31st at noon ON THE DOT and I hadn't found a place to move. That has since been rememdied (as of today). Just T's to cross and I's to dot. It feels really good to not have to think about that anymore. Im really excited about the home I am moving into and decorating it and sharing a space with these lovely women I have met and will be cohabitating with. I think that they will help me grow as a person and lord knows I've got some growing to do. One thing I'd really like to work on is not being a total monster when I am not getting enough attention. How quickly my mood sours is not a virtuous trait, not one I would freely advertise. I was in such a shit mood today at and after work due to this. I'm like a toddler. At least it's not like I need EVERYONE to be paying attention to me all the time, I just need to get enough from specific people to fill my quota at any given point in the day. But I don't really like that about myself. I pride myself on being a really happy and bubbly person and I really dont like how quickly that changes for such a minor inconvenience such as not getting a text back as soon as I want it. It is something I continue to work on. That's really the beauty of the human condition, the capacity for change. It's like this scene in Steven Universe. Even moment to moment we are changing. I just think that's so beautiful. Remember you can always change. Always

7-17-24

I think I can confidentely say that this birthday is the first one I've ever had that's had me feeling older. I don't feel it in a bad way, its quite the opposite. I feel mature. I take care of myself, it feels really good. Lately I've been making a lot of art (maybe I'll post it idk) which feels really good. Lots of sketches and doodles and stuff. I've had this friend staying with me for like two and a half weeks now and thats also been really cool. He's a graffiti artist and I think that knowing him has expanded my view of art a lot. Just talking to him about what he does and how and why and the meaning behind his stuff-. Dear reader, I really love this guy. I think it's kind of unfair to be kind AND talented. Pick a struggle! Anyways, this summer is going to be my creative rennaisance and I am going to go to school in the fall a new woman with new and improved skills and everyone will think I'm so super cool. In an earlier post I mentioned that I had gone out with someone nice. I am here to tell you now that we do not speak anymore (he ghosted me) BUT THAT'S OKAY!!! Who needs a guy like him when my friends give me everything I need in the world. I am surrounded by probably the best group of people on the planet. And the best kitty on the planet. Don't get me wrong, I love love and I would love to be in love but maybe it's just not the right time for me right now and my love will find me later in life.

7-11-24

I turn twenty tomorrow, which is kind of a trip. Today is my last day of being able to plead just a teenage girl.

7-5-24

It's the burden of being known. Do you all ever just want to disapear? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I just want to be completely free from society and dissapear ito the woods or the sky for a day or so and be free from everything. It just gets so hard sometimes, with everyone all up in your business all the time and having to talk and having to exist. It would be nice to get a break. When I was younger I used to secretly hope that I would get put into a coma so that I could just rest and destress, but I know it's not that simple. Now I kind of envy animals that hibernate through the winter, I would really like to have a scheduled long rest. The world is just so damn evil right now. America is a joke and the nuclear launch codes are going to one of two laughably immoral geriatric creeps. We truly live in a society (joker laugh). Im having a situation in my personal life that I violently hate. My friend found out about something I didn't want to tell anyone and now everything feels weird and I don't know how to behave around anyone. I don't like it one bit. Not even a tiny little bit. I think I need to cry about it but I'm so busy that I don't have time to. Anyways, trying to stay positive right now is exceedingly hard but something I think we should all strive for. Is the world going to shit? Yes, but there are flowers blooming everywhere and their beauty is free for you to enjoy. People create art every day. New friends are always waiting for you to find them. There is beauty everywhere if you look for it and happiness is just waiting to be found. I try to remember that and you should too, reader ♥

7-1-24

I have been crazy busy the past month, chat. Finals, work, friends, a trip home. Like goddamn. It's been so fun tho. The weather is finally starting to get nice in portland so I can dress sluttier lolz. I turn 20 in 11 days which isi kind of a trip. Like damn I'm about to not be a teenager. I have been an adult for nearly 2 years. I feel like I've changed a lot these past 2 years but in some ways I've stayed exactly the same. Such is life. I helped decorate a rave the other day at Limitbreak (awesome venue) and therefore got in for the low low price of FREE. Im tryna do stuff like that more often! It was so fun. Maybe I'll try to work door at the next one.

6-4-24

Male validaion is a hell of a drug. I want so much attention and to be ignored at the same time. I don't know what that is besides my own personal brand of crazy. Sometimes I won't even really like someone but their attention and validation mean everything to me. It's all consuming. Does anyone else feel this way? It's sort of like how, putting my thoughts on this site, I hope nobody reads them but at the same time I hope everyone does. I want to be well known and anonymous. I want to let everyone in and yet at the same time I want nobody to even come close. Such is the plight of being a girl. Yesterday, an employee at my favorite pizza place by school said I was "scary" and "intimidating". What the hell does that even mean? Now, because of that, the two forces in my brain want to simultaaneously prove him right and wrong. I want him to think I'm super intimidating and untouchable but I also want him to know that inside I'm sweet and small and loving. I want to live as a dichotomy. I don't want to care about what other people think anymore but I'm so burdened by caring. I am forever caring and forever burdened by it. I want to be eaten alive. I want to be in love.

6-1-24

I think I may be leaving my girlfailure era, guys! Last night I had a really nice date with a really nice guy (guy, I know). He wasn't weird AT ALL and he was really respectful AND good looking? A great Summer fling prospect, seeing as he moves back to Texas in August. I think this is a sign that Summer is my prime time. I'm planning to really dive into my clothing design and really get into the diy scene in Portland this Summer. I have a lot of design sketches I'm just sitting on, and hopefully when I'm done with my classes I can start working on realizing them! Stay tuned for more info on that hehe hopefully I'm able to keep my artistic momentum going and really get going on my personal work. Most of my art on my gallery page is from school projects but hopefully you all will start seeing more personal work soon!

5-27-24

Today's food for thought begins with Manifestelle's video on manic pixie dream girls and Manifestelle's video on the fall of the matriarchy. I was watching these videos while getting ready for my day and they really made me think, damn it really is like that huh. In particular I was reminded of this week long relationship I had a few months ago with a guy who, by the end of it, was convinced he was in love with me. In reality, I know that he wasn't and the further I get away from that situation the more I realize that he really wasn't in love with me at all, rather, he was in love with the idea of me, the emotional labor I performed for him, and the way that it all made him feel. I remember so vividly the way he behaved when he was telling me that he was in love with me. Mind you, I had only spent a week with this man and the only other interaction I'd had with him consisted of passing conversations in class and a single trip to the thrift store. It was like he was losing his mind. He was so overcome with emotion and with his love for me. It was honestly scary. I told him he wasn't in love with me and that he didn't even know me. This didn't go down well at all. He cried and tried to convince me that he did love me and that he knew what love felt like. I told him it was infatuation, OBSESSION, even. He wasn't having any of this. I eventually had to leave because it was clear he wasn't going to get it. This whole situation has really stuck with me, as you can probably tell by this being my first blog post and the fact that I'm writing this months after it happened. Really it was traumatic in a way. There's something so scary and even insulting about a man telling you that he loves you when he doesn't even know what city you're from. Yep. Im pretty sure he didn't even know where I'm from. He didn't know the most basic information about me, and how could he when we'd barely known eachother and all we talked about when we were together was him? The point of this is that I think it's kind of a relatable experience. How many girls are loved by someone who doesn't know the first thing about them? I think that men just want to control or own us and think that fake love is the way to go about it. He wanted to cage me but didn't even know what kind of bird I was.